2011

I certainly have some high hopes for 2011! We always manage to make the most out of every year, so this upcoming year shouldn't be any different!

Looking back.

2010 was a great year. It had plenty of it's ups and downs, but all in all I learned a lot, and that's what is important. If you don't learn something from your experiences, then why have them.

In 2010 we had our 1 year wedding anniversary (which I had to work on... Stupid Nob Hill...) I turned 24, Devin turned 29. We tasted parenthood for the first time and have learned that yes, it is right for us. I quit my job at Nob Hill. No more anniversaries spent working! No more birthdays spent waiting on people! No more breaking my back and legs and neck and feet and wrists for holidays! I registered for school. I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up! We went to Hawaii for 20 days and had a blast! So all in all, it was a wonderful year.

Looking forward.

2011 feels like a fresh start. A time for change. A new me. A clean slate! I start school January 18th. I haven't been to school in years! This time I am going all the way and getting my degree! A first for me! I'm going to get myself in the best shape of my life (well since I was 14) I have promised myself that my entire first paycheck from my new job is going towards a new wardrobe if I reach my goal weight. Devin and I have decided to try again at being parents. Just trying again makes me happy. Right now I am stuck, waiting, and there's nothing we can do but wait. At least once we start trying we're doing something!

So a new lifestyle awaits us both. A less stressful lifestyle! A more complete lifestyle. I know we can make it work!

So no test today.

I already know I'm pregnant. I have 1 test left and I don't want to take it while the line will still be faint, will give it a few more days so I can get a blunt POSITIVE. I feel pretty good. I feel content again. I feel hopeful, knowing the things I know now about miscarriage and rates. Odds are we will have a happy healthy baby.

I'm going to create a spreadsheet with some of my favorite names to share with my hubby :P

I came across this: http://blogspot.sharedbook.com/blog2print/googleblogger/index.html

I'm so printing this blog as a keepsake when we finally have our baby!!!

Doughnuts

So today I ate terribly. I've had 4 chocolate covered doughnuts and... that's about it.

Terrible!

No more days like today! Ever!!

47 to 137!!

I called the dr's office and surprisingly my results are in! My beta-HCG levels rose from 47 on Monday to 137 - almost triple!

Yes, a new pregnancy! Definitely pregnant!! I don't think I could get enough confirmations before it sinks in really. Each new confirmation makes me more excited.

I was so happy it brought tears to my eyes. I mean I knew it would be going up, but to hear it was something else!!

I hope this pregnancy keeps moving in this direction!

#4

Fourth Positive - Look it's darker!

So here's pregnancy test #4. This time the positive is a little darker - which is good! Had I had a normal cycle this last month I still wouldn't have expected a period until at least tomorrow earliest. My cycle runs from 32 to 37 days and tomorrow is 32, so getting positive tests so soon is a huge bonus. Although I would know by now that I'm pregnant again just from the symptoms I have already.

I woke up at around 4am because I felt like I had to pee SOO bad! Forced myself up out of bed into the cold, rummaged through the room for my robe, found my warm socks, stumbled into the bathroom and after all of that BARELY WENT! So there's more pressure on my bladder at this point. I remember this from the last pregnancy. From the plane to the Big Island I remember having to get up several times in the 5 hour flight. I remember throughout the trip feeling as though I had to go really bad but then would hardly urinate.

Last night I think the fatigue started in. At about 5pm I started feeling really tired and sleepy. I had plenty of sleep the night before and normally go to bed around 9. Will see if this one sticks or if I was just particularly tired yesterday.

I still have the super mild cramps (twinges) and I have absolutely no spotting anymore. That stopped about 3 days ago. Last time I was spotting every day the entire time the pregnancy was normal. It turned from spotting to bleeding the day before the actual miscarriage happened. So long as there's no red blood or bad cramps everything is ok!

I had a dream that there was a test you could take, like the pregnancy tests, that tells you if it's an ectopic pregnancy or not. I took the test and it said it was ectopic, so I called my doctor who started crying on the phone for me saying that after all of this, after finally being able to conceive a healthy baby, it's in the wrong place and has to be removed.

Nightmare!

Going to try calling the dr's office later to see if I could get my test results. I know my HCG levels are going up, but I'd like to hear it :P

Ouch!

I just got back from getting my blood drawn for my next HCG test. Ouch! This time it hurt! The needle was much larger and she did it so fast I swear I could feel my vein PUSH the blood right into the vial! Only took her a few seconds to fill the vial then that was that. Hurt when she pulled the needle out and it hurts now still. :*(

My pregnancy symptoms seem to be rising a bit starting last night. The mild cramps are more often now, mostly starting after I'm up for a few hours and getting more frequent as the day goes by. Really very mild, like someone poking my right side where I normally get period cramps. Not really painful, just "there." I'll know when something bad is happening when those lil pokes turn into period-like pains like before the miscarriage. I'm starting to have some mood swings now, too. Oh boy!

Today I feel rather irritated by everything. I've had worse irritability, but none in the last few weeks to speak of. Every little thing today makes me bark at something. I normally love listening to Devin go on and on and on about stuff, but today it was irritating (sorry hubby!) People on the road made me mad for small things. I would feel somewhat down one minute then happy and excited and hopeful the next. Just all over the place. Up then down then everywhere else.

My boobs are more sore now than before, too. Just keeps getting worse! I don't fit into my bras again. I can feel the strange tingling in them as they are preparing for a baby.

But all of this is a GOOD THING. That means I'm still pregnant!

Gross but Hilarious :P

The things I come across... sorry, this one was very funny (any guys reading this, feel free to skip to the next posting as it gets a bit "girly" here lol)

Source: http://www.gettingpregnant.co.uk/earlypregnancy.htm

"Mucus

You may have been charting your waking temperatures and cervical mucus while trying to conceive.  If not, and you find the concept of mucus a bit icky, you'd best get used to it, because it gets worse!!  Pregnancy is EXTREMELY biological, and not very glamorous!  Anyway, due to the increase in blood flow to the soft tissues of the body, you may well find that not only does your vaginal discharge increase (causing you to leave snail trails all over the place), but also your nasal mucus...  Nice.  There are some of us who have had a runny nose since conception...  It's nothing that can't be dealt with by a panty liner, although blowing your nose on one might get you a few strange looks.  As long as the vaginal mucus is clear or white, and doesn't smell nasty, it's nothing to worry about.  Just avoid sliding down banisters for a while."

Yup, still positive!

Test #3, another faint positive. BUT POSITIVE.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

There it is! 4 minutes in, a faint positive again. I don't like how they are so faint. Although technically I'm still doing all of these tests early, I'm not expecting a period yet, I technically haven't missed one yet. But they're still positive!

Today I'm going in to have some more blood taken to test my HCG levels again. I hope they are going up! I certainly FEEL pregnant! I KNEW I was before I took the tests! I could FEEL it!

I don't have too many symptoms just yet. My cold is going away, so thank GOODNESS it's not a pregnancy symptom (Rhinitis - *shudders*) My breasts hurt again SO bad. Every day it gets worse. Even my bras hurt. I have light cramps in one side, like I had with the last one. So far everything feels normal. I can't wait for more symptoms :P

No seriously! I can't wait! Last time I was very irritated by the cramps, the chest tenderness the irritability. This time, I am thankful to feel any of it. Even morning sickness, bring it all on! It's ALL worth it! Every symptom is a reminder we are currently expecting. I want this one to work so bad! Of course I wanted the last one to work so bad as well. I had no idea I would actually miscarry our first baby. Everyone kept reassuring me, "You're fine! Nothing will happen! Taking all the pregnancy tests won't help anything, it won't just go away!" Well it did just go away. Something did happen. So I'm a bit nervous this time around!

Will probably go shower now so I can get my blood work out of the way. I don't feel like being out all day. Starting to feel a little better. Didn't have to wake up every 20 minutes to blow my nose. Didn't take any medication yesterday, except vitamin C and prenatal. Won't get my results for at least a few days, or maybe even when I have my appointment next week. Although I'm sure I could call and ask for the results, they gave them to me over the phone yesterday.

So, will write later!

More Blood Work and A Dr Appt

So the dr's office called me back today. They set up another blood test for me, I can go in anytime this week. They scheduled a follow up appointment with my regular doctor for next Wednesday to discuss the results and the new pregnancy. Hopefully everything will go ok!

I could technically go in today for the blood test. I would rather wait and go in tomorrow when the HCG levels have more time to rise rapidly. I'm so nervous that they will be going down, or stay the same. The woman on the phone told me it's possible to have residual levels. I hadn't had time to explain to her the new pregnancy symptoms or all of the negative tests, so I had to simplify it to her, then she agreed that yes it's a new pregnancy. I'm so nervous! I don't care about having the blood test taken, it's the results!

Please oh please let this be the one!

Pregnancy Rhinitis

So I developed a cold the last few days. It started as a bad sore throat from being around a smoker then turned into a nasty stuffy runny nose. I read online that nasal congestion is actually a pregnancy symptom and is triggered when the nasal passageway becomes irritated. I'm hoping this is just a cold!

If it's not a cold, it will last about 6 WEEKS. If it is a cold, it should go away within a week. I can't take any medication for it since it's all terrible while pregnant. Ugh! I guess it occurs in about 30% of all pregnancies and usually anytime in the pregnancy, from first trimester to third. I read the hormone imbalances cause your body to over react to the irritants.

Please be a cold! I don't think I could take 6 weeks of this!! Bring on the morning sickness instead! Oh no, what if I get BOTH! How terrible! lol. I had no morning sickness with my first pregnancy, I'm hoping this one is the same!

Definitely Pregnant!

So I spoke with the advice nurse this morning. I was very thorough in the details about all of my symptoms this last month. I really just needed to see if these tests were positive from the miscarriage. Turns out it's not! I'm pregnant!

My beta-HCG level on Monday was elevated at 47 - low because it's early. Anything above 25 is considered pregnant. Actually, that could be considered high. I'm estimating I am about 3 1/2 weeks now according to when we tried to conceive, and on average the results that early are anywhere between 5 and 50. At 4 weeks it will read between 5 and 426. So that's about right. That's why the tests were so faint. But positive!

The advice nurse said all they can do is monitor the levels, make sure they go up, at this point since it's so early. They can't see a heartbeat or do an ultrasound really until I'm around 6 weeks or more (even 8 weeks in some cases) and since they don't have a last cycle date for me it's more difficult to determine how far along I am or will be.

I am afraid to get excited about this one. Obviously it's implanted its self since I have the symptoms and the HCG went up, so that much is good. That doesn't mean so far it's ok. I could still have what's called a "chemical pregnancy" where after a week it doesn't really take so I will have what's like a period, and it's gone. So long as I don't have any cramps or bleeding I know the pregnancy is fine.

I want to be excited. I mean this could be our first baby! I want to shout it out to the world but I don't want to have to turn around and say, "Oh, nevermind."

So, here's hoping!!

Second Positive Test

Second Positive Test

So here it is, another faint positive. I'm going to call the Kaiser advice nurse sometime after the sun is up. Took this just after 4am, a lil early to be on the phone lol. Two must mean positive! Faint, but positive!

Positive Test

Faint positive pregnancy test taken today.

So this morning I took my last expensive pregnancy test leftover from when I bought a dozen when we first found out we were pregnant. Not expired, still in the box, sat at room temperature. It was a CVS "Early Result" Pregnancy Test. I've gotten really blunt positives on those tests when I was pregnant.

Well the test I took today showed a faint positive (not an evaporation, but a positive) after just a minute long. I waited the full 10 minutes, still the same. Today is 4 days before I would expect a period, so I'd expect the result to be faint. I'm not getting my hopes up just in case it's a false positive, like if the hormones rose up again from the miscarriage. I'm not sure they can rise like that, since now it's 21 days since I stopped bleeding all together (minus the faint spotting) or 30 days since the start of the miscarriage.

Either way, I took several tests a few weeks ago and they all came back negative, meaning the hormone had dropped below 20. Can they rise again from the miscarriage or could I be pregnant?

I'm going to take another test on Friday to see if I get a darker line. Darker means it's rising. This long after the miscarriage it would have to have fallen completely to zero already. I'll also check back for my bloodwork today. Going to check online at Kaiser's site for the results, if they post them today. SOO hoping they do!

Now that I've had a positive test, I'm literally dying to know! I feel SO anxious! I just want to know what is the next step to try and have a baby, whether I'm pregnant or not.

Will post later if I find out anything!

UPDATE:

Q: How soon after a miscarriage will an HPT be reliable?
A: It varies. Sometimes it takes awhile for hCG levels to go back to zero, so it is possible to get a positive HPT from a miscarriage for a month or more after a loss. If hCG levels were followed back to zero, then a positive HPT should indicate a new pregnancy.


So there's my answer, hopefully. The positive result cannot be from the miscarriage. I think I may be pregnant again! Still waiting for dr's results. UGH!

Blood Work

So today I had my blood taken for the first time. I was soooo incredibly nervous and all for nothing lol. Didn't hurt at all. I totally expected my arm to feel like it was being drained or shriveling up or something, but felt nothing lol. Whew! So now I wait. Again. Just waiting to see if my HCG levels are elevated at all still (or again) Will post again once I get the results.

Dr. Appt

So I called the advice nurse yesterday and got passed around a bit. The first lady I spoke to told me there's no way the bleeding I've been having is a period. That a period, even if only 9 days after the end of the miscarriage, would be much heavier at least one day out of the 9 I've been spotting. That it may just be regular spotting, which is normal, may not mean anything, particularly because it's not heavy. They didn't tell me what it could be (probably because there could be so many different answers...) so they scheduled an appointment for me to have my blood drawn Monday to test the HCG levels, to see if they've fallen below 5 like they should have. My sister says if they are a bit higher they will test again in a few days to see if they are rising or falling, even slightly. My worry is that I'm pregnant again so they will see the levels rise. I don't want them to assume it's from the miscarriage and have a D&C when really it's a new pregnancy. Like I said, we tried like mad this month to conceive again.

Every single Thursday haunts me. I should be another week along - at this point I should be 10 weeks pregnant, but I'm not. I've felt the pregnancy, I've felt the symptoms, and now I have nothing to show for it. I feel soo empty inside. I honestly never thought I could feel this way.

I really don't think this is from the miscarriage at all. I have heard that if the miscarriage doesn't complete, your body will still think it's pregnant, so you will still feel pregnant, since a small amount of tissue will be drawing blood from the uterus, it will be producing the HCG hormone, and you'll feel pregnant. I've taken several pregnancy tests, all have come back negative since right after the miscarriage (I got one with a very faint line, then the following all came up neg) Only this last week have I started having pregnancy symptoms again.

They may even just be regular cycle symptoms. The one thing that stands out is my breast tenderness. After I got pregnant last time, I could feel them engorge themselves. I could feel them almost fill up with whatever they fill up with. I felt them get bigger. I could literally feel everything. Then they were SORE. They have never hurt so bad in my life! Immediately following the miscarriage I could feel them shrink back down. I could feel them recede. I could feel whatever it was leaving them. It felt like they were being deflated back into my body again. I felt the twinges from them shrinking.

Well now, I feel them twinging again. This time they're getting bigger, like when I was pregnant. They are sore, but not as sore as the first time. All but the last 3 years have they gotten sore for my period, but it was tolerable and I never felt any twinges. This is different. The pain is different, not just a soreness. I've only had this with being pregnant.

So maybe I am pregnant again? I can't take a test to know for sure until at least December 1st, which will be approximately 4 days before my supposed first period should arrive (32 days after the miscarriage - I know the miscarriage shouldn't act like a milestone for a previous period, but I have nothing else to go on) December 1st is also 2 weeks after the last day we tried to conceive, so there should be enough HCG for a home pregnancy test. Otherwise, if it's negative, I'll take another test in a week if there's still no period.

I don't think the blood test on Monday will show anything for the miscarriage. This spotting does not feel that way, it just feels like spotting. Like the nurse said, is normal. There's no cramps, and it's completely minuscule. I've read if the miscarriage is not complete, your body will try even harder to get rid of it, so it will hurt more than the initial miscarriage. I have no cramping at all, aside from the one day I had slight cramps. And there's not enough blood. Your body will bleed and bleed and bleed. I'm not.

So we'll see. Just have to wait again. I hate waiting SO bad!!!

Still no clue...

So there hasn't been much to update lately. No changes really since my last post. My last post I had started bleeding on the 18th and wasn't sure why or what it was from. My doctor told me it may be my period and to call the advice nurse if it lasted longer than 6 days, which now it's been 8 days. So I just called.


The advice nurse said even a period that starts 9 days after the end of a miscarriage would be heavier than what I'm experiencing. That it's not a period and should be looked into. She didn't say what it might be (probably because it could be just about anything at this point) So she's having my dr's office call me either today or Monday to set up an appointment. She said, regardless, I should have a follow up to make sure everything went ok with the miscarriage since it was my first pregnancy. I just really hate physicals. I did not like the sonogram. I don't like feeling so exposed. I've never had bloodwork done, I know they'll try that. Just all over scary to me.

So I don't know. I'll update again if something changes. Good news or not.

Pregnancy Loss

My husband and I tried to conceive for nearly 2 years. Well, "trying" for us was trying the day my cell phone calendar said I should be ovulating. Just the one day each month. We'd try random other days, but it never worked. In September 2010 we decided to try sooner in my cycle as well as the day my phone said to, and it worked. We found out on our trip to Maui that we were pregnant. I had all of the symptoms to go with it, too. Like clockwork, every day around 2pm I would get unbelievably exhausted. I felt like someone hit me with a ton of bricks. I'd fall asleep no matter where I was.

I also had severe breast tenderness like I've never had before. I couldn't sleep on my stomach and laying on my back or side just added awkward pressure on them. I was always uncomfortable. I had lost quite a bit of weight before our trip so none of my bras fit when we left, but by the time our trip was over all of my bras fit again.

I had minor cramping, which at the beginning made me think my period was going to start any time. They were sort of twinges, not very painful, just irritating. The cramps would come on for about 5 minutes then go away for a couple of hours every day like clockwork. I also had some rather vivid dreams - most about work, others about chocolate chip cookies.

Oh and the cravings! I don't even like shrimp, but I wanted shrimp SO bad! Another symptom was the moodiness. I would cry over everything and anything. Everything made me upset. Everything made me angry. I was also bleeding the entire time, too. Just spotting, and the color was different than that of my period, more brown and very very light.

These symptoms were very obvious to me. I always clock my cycles, I keep track of every monthly cycle and everything I feel. I was definitely pregnant. I even felt "bloated" as my uterus was growing. It was awkward already to sleep on my stomach, and we would have only been about 6 weeks at that time.

A few days before we left to come home I had noticed my symptoms lesson. The cramping almost stopped, the spotting was still there, the fatigue was gone, the moodiness was less, and my breasts still hurt like mad. I just assumed I was getting used to the symptoms.

We got home on the 28th of October and on the 1st of November I started getting period like cramps. Really bad cramping. I hadn't had any that strong since my previous period in September. The bleeding also changed from brown to red, which I had read was something to look into with a doctor. So I immediately emailed my doctor. Told her about the harsh cramps and the bleeding and she had someone call me immediately to set an appointment for later that day. Her concern was an ectopic pregnancy. At this point I should have been 8 weeks along, so ectopic pregnancy symptoms would start showing at this point.

She did a physical examination first and noted I was indeed bleeding. Then she did a vaginal ultrasound to see if it was ectopic, which showed it was not. So she focused her attention on the baby. She showed us the screen and said that we were either not as far along as we thought, more like 5 or 6 weeks, or that the baby had stopped developing several weeks prior and I was about to miscarry. I knew we weren't 5 or 6 weeks along, that would mean it took 3 weeks for my egg to be fertilized, impossible.

At that point I had already prepared myself for the news. I wasn't shocked, I wasn't even upset. I just told myself, "Well, we can try again."

That was, until I got home.

I went to the bathroom because the physical exam left lots of gel in awkward places and right then and there I miscarried. I could literally feel my uterus push and everything come out. I felt my uterus shrink, I felt suddenly empty. The absolute worst part was seeing everything. I personally did not look for the sac like other women I've read about online. But knowing that somewhere in that mess was our baby was the hardest part. Having to flush our baby down the toilet made me crack.

I cried for 3 days after that. I couldn't function, I couldn't focus. I couldn't eat or sleep. I could feel my body reverting back to it's pre-pregnant self and with every twinge I would cry. I felt my breasts shrink, I felt my uterus contract back to it's normal size, I felt so completely empty.

I had one day of really bad cramping, two days after the initial miscarriage, when the rest of the tissue passed. But then everything came to a stop after that. The heavy bleeding lightened and stopped, the cramps went away, my breasts felt normal again, and I could feel the hormones disappear as I stopped weeping so much and the irritability went away.

I read somewhere that it's possible to conceive within the first month following a miscarriage, so I emailed my doctor to ask her opinion. She said the benefits of waiting were low and the risks of trying now were also low, so to go ahead. And "go ahead" we did. It was hard to try making another baby, I was NOT in the mood, I kept feeling like, "If we hadn't lost the first we wouldn't be here forcing it again." I started to feel the guilt, even though I know the miscarriage wasn't my fault. I even broke down and cried one night when we were trying. I felt like we could NOT miss the one day I may ovulate so we had to try EVERY day, no matter what mood I was in.

The miscarriage took place on the 2nd of November, ended by the 9th. We started trying on the 12th, 13th, 15th, 16th and 17th. We skipped the 14th but started trying on the 15th AM, so there was only 36 hours in between.

On the 18th AM I started to bleed again. I had read you must go 20 days without any bleeding for the miscarriage to be over and the next bleeding to be considered a period. This bleeding seems different, though. Just spotting. Very very light spotting. I emailed my dr and she said this may be my next period coming on, even though it's only been a week and a half since the end of the miscarriage, that we'll have to wait and see.

The bleeding seems only to take place in the morning, and it's really just a few drops. The 18th and 19th were like this. The 20th it was the same but accompanied by mild cramping. Today, the 21st, it seems less. The cramps right now seem to have diminished. I don't know what it was. It's not the miscarriage still, there's not enough blood or cramping. It's not my period, again not enough blood or cramping.

So we'll have to wait and see, like the doctor said. I want to keep track of it here so I can help figure out what is going on, or look back and say, "oh that's what that was"

So, until later or tomorrow!

A little background and why I decided to start this blog.

I don't really like the term "blog." It sounds so... masculine. I've always kept online journals. It seemed that now was the appropriate time to start again. A lot has been happening and I feel it will help to jot my thoughts and feelings down as they occur.

My husband and I recently experienced a devastating loss. After 2 years of trying we finally found out we were pregnant in October. Just a few weeks after finding out, we miscarried. Nothing we could do. Chromosomal abnormalities. Blah blah blah.


I have never dealt with something of this nature before. I really don't know how to react. I have always been the strong one. I have always been the one people turn to for advice or strength. For once I'm not. Everything about this situation is so confusing. There are no clear cut answers. There is no "normal." There are no statistics to go off of. We just have to wait.

For those of you who know me, I don't wait. If I want something, I want it NOW. I am the queen of impatience. Now Mother Nature is forcing me to wait, and it's killing me. I have never felt so helpless over my situation.

It may be a good life lesson for me, however. To learn to wait. To learn to be patient. "Good things come to those who wait." blah blah blah.